Exactly one year ago today, my too-tiny baby girl was born. She was almost 17 weeks gestation - too small to live, but not too small to have a big impact on our whole family. As I reflect over the year that has passed, I see a year that has been rich in emotion and rich in really learning what it means to trust in the Lord. There has been raw painful sadness. There has been gentle reflective sadness. And there has been growth and strength, love and healing. Healing has taken its time - both physical and emotional, but God has been faithful in both.
As a way to remember, I am re-posting what I wrote on my personal/family blog the month after Sadie's birth. Perhaps there is encouragement for someone in it.
Almost a month ago, on Saturday, January 7th, our tiny baby girl was born. She had only been growing in my belly for almost 17 weeks and was too tiny to survive in the outside world. She lived for a few short minutes, gently moving her arms and legs as I held her in my hand. She was very small but she was a perfectly formed little person with tiny little fingers and tiny little toes. Her little nose and lips were so baby sweet. As I held her I could not believe this had just happened. She was not supposed to be here yet. But somehow this was God’s plan for her. God’s plan for me. God’s plan for our family. I know (as in, I am fully convinced) that our God is good. That He has my best and His glory at the heart of His plans. And He knows the plans He has for me. So I trust Him. But, because I don’t know His plans, and because I want my little girl here with me, I am sad. I miss her. I know there is no “right” way to feel about all this, but sometimes I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. Some days I feel sad and I cry. Some days I feel numb and don’t feel anything. Some days, more frequent now than at first, I feel normal and I just go ahead with my day as if I hadn’t recently lost a child. Some days I just want to think about her. So I think about being pregnant with her and I think about the day she was born and then . . . then there is nothing else to think about. We have almost no memories to recall or mementos to touch. No pictures to look at except an ultrasound picture from the week she was born. She had been healthy at that ultrasound appointment – moving around quite actively. And yet, in God’s good sovereignty, we didn’t get to keep her. Since there is so little to hold onto or remember her by, I am writing this and sharing it with our family and friends. Sort of in place of a birth announcement, I guess. That first night, as I lay sleepless in my bed, a name kept running through my head, Sadie. So that’s what we’ve decided to name her, Sadie. It means “princess”. Even though we never got to know her, it seems like she should have a name. She was a person after all. And now she is in the best place imaginable – better than we can imagine. In heaven with the Lord. And even though we miss her and wish she was here to be a part of our family, we know (as in, we are fully convinced) that she is where she belongs.
|Sadie’s tiny footprints.|
For reference, this purple button is about the size of a dime.
This post is being shared at Better Mom Monday